To All The Single Ladies - Before He Puts A Ring On It- Even if you don't think it's you!

Honesty and realness in relationships is what everyone desires. We usually only apply it to the other person, and seldom do we look into our own souls to see what it is we really want or need in a husband or wife. In the course of seeing so many successful and unsuccessful dating relationships among the college students, there are some very important aspects that every young and intelligent woman should consider. Of course, young men could also benefit.

Below is a letter I asked for one young lady to write concerning her experiences that mirror so many of those I know right now. I am writing this not to condemn someone, not to be mean or insensitive. In fact, quite the opposite... to give words to something the Holy Spirit may be trying to tell you. To vocalize what probably others around you are thinking or feeling yet afraid to tell you. And to risk out of love, the anger and frustration that this topic so often evokes. Because it has to be said. You have to understand with eyes wide open what you are in. And you have to know that no one else can choose for you, you must choose yourself. So, listen to this, and see if you are this girl. More of my own thoughts at the end....

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I Almost Settled
by Mrs. Kimberly Vaughn

We women are always ready to settle for less. Most of us anyways. It may look different for some than for others, but that tendency to settle is there. Even those of us who know Jesus are guilty of the struggle. The closer we are to Jesus, the more we hear His voice speaking, and the less likely we are to settle. But even still, our walk with God has its highs and its lows. There are times we hear Jesus loud and clear because our hearts are soft, but there are times we mostly hear our flesh because we have somehow taken the reigns of control.

I’m one of those women who has settled more times than I can count. Thankfully Jesus redeems the mistakes that I have made. I once settled for a relationship that was all wrong for me, and it lasted for over two years. It almost lasted for a lifetime. We were engaged. Less than two months before the wedding, God got my attention. Nothing dramatic changed or happened with the relationship, but God spoke in a way that I could not ignore Him. Let me explain.

I had been having some doubts, but it always seemed that I could explain those doubts away. Rationalizations. Excuses. Reasons. It’s how we women think. If we don’t want to face it or make any changes, whether out of fear, desperation or selfishness, we twist and turn thoughts in our head until what we are doing seems logical and right and best.

So, although I had been having doubts, I wasn’t truly getting what God was trying to tell me. Fear and selfishness blocked my prayer life, so that even when I prayed it was as though I was deaf to God’s voice. But I praise God because He did not give up on me and He did not let me make what would have inevitably been one of the worst decisions of my life.

My fiancé and I were on a missions trip with a group from our college, and God spoke to me there though a professor I highly respected and looked up to as the dad I never had. Several times throughout the trip, this professor tried to confront me subtly and gently concerning my relationship with my fiancé. It was a little unsettling because I wasn’t yet ready to face the truth, and yet the truth was making itself known. God had my best interests in mind. I'm confident the professor cared about both of us.

On our way back to the States we had a long layover still outside of the U.S.. This meant that we had to claim our baggage and re-check it. Although at the time it seemed to be an inconvenience, my fiancé could not find one of his bags. It looked like this might take some time to work out, so the majority of the group moved along. This left my professor and I alone while my fiancé was off looking for his bag. It was in this moment that my professor blatantly confronted me concerning the issues he saw in my relationship. As he spoke to me I knew what he was saying was right. I knew it in my mind and I felt it in my gut to the point that I felt sick. Yet I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him he was right, so I responded in defensiveness.

On the twelve hour flight back to the States, the professor worked it out that I was able to sit alone with several empty seats around me. I spent almost the entire flight crying and reading God’s Word and crying out to God. It was gut-wrenching. I kept thinking about all the consequences of ending my relationship right now, less than two months before our planned wedding. I would cause so much pain and disappointment. What about all the money spent on the wedding? What would people think? What if I never found the right guy? What if I never got married? My mind was spinning and all I kept thinking about were the short-term ramifications. I felt no peace, and there seemed to be no “perfect” ending to this dilemma I was dealing with. Finally, I stopped my foolish thinking and laid it all down before God. “Please God, show me what to do. I don’t care what discomfort, pain, or awkwardness it means for me right now. Show me Your will, and I’ll do it because I know it is best.” And I meant it. My heart was laid bare before God, and I was completely emptied of my own will.

Almost immediately, God gave me clarity in my heart and mind. I knew what I had to do, and I finally had peace about this. When I got back to the States I fasted and sought wisdom from a couple trusted women. More and more I saw that I needed to end the relationship. Only two days after arriving back to the States I broke it off with my fiancé. It wasn’t easy. I felt horrible, especially when he refused to take the ring back and I forced him to take it. But when it was said and done, I felt so much peace and freedom. This huge weight lifted from my soul, and I sought God’s face more fully and experienced such intimacy with Him.

Although I knew then that I had made the right decision, it is only now that I see this with the greatest of clarity. Five years down the road I see how much more God had in store for me. He brought me places I would otherwise not have gone. He gave me experiences that I would never have known. And He brought people into my life that I would never have had the joy of knowing. Married for over a year now, I am so deeply in love with my husband. He is an amazing man, growing steadfastly in His walk with God. I am more than blessed to have him by my side walking through life with me. He is exactly what I need to make me more of the woman God intends for me to be. I can’t imagine my life without him.

When I think back at how I almost settled, I feel so much gratitude in my heart towards God for how he saved me from myself and my own foolish thinking. I am so thankful He used my respected professor to speak the truth in love to me. I often wonder at how my life would have gone if I would have settled in that relationship. I imagine it wouldn’t have been good, and it could not come close to the blessing I know now.

Settling is a dangerous thing. We can pray and ask for God’s blessings, but He can only bless us as much as we will allow Him to. If we choose to settle for less than God has for us, we’re not allowing God to give us the fullness of His blessings. I’ve settled too many times, and the mistakes I’ve made are endless. The wonder of knowing God through Jesus Christ is that He redeems my failures. For me, the redemption of my failures has at times been a painful process, and not just for myself, but ultimately it is liberating for all involved. My prayer is that God will give me the strength to continue to pursue the best that He has for me, rather than hindering His blessings for my life by settling for less.

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If you are this girl (or guy) now, get out while you can. You aren't married until you are married. Regardless of the expenses. Regardless of the time invested. It doesn't mean they are a bad person or that you are. It means doing the right thing for you. And waiting until the one that completes you and fulfills you comes along.

It could very well be a mistaken identity of love at work. The two of you could actually love each other, however, it is a platonic love. You both really care for each other and don't want to hurt the other one. Yet, it's not exactly what you had hoped for either. It's not an unconditional love. There are things the other says or does to manipulate you, to control you, to bend you into their will, that's not really the kind of love you want. Not an 'in love', can't get enough of this person, but only a superficial attempt at making it real. It is born out of a genuine concern for each other but if you were being honest with yourself, it is not at the level that you both would prefer. The mature-er one of the two of you will have to be the one to initiate the break of the dating relationship to go back to being friends. The friendship could always be there. Just do not confuse friendship, for a marriage quality relationship. Do not confuse sexual desire for a marriage quality relationship. Can the two of you talk for hours on end without physical touch? Can the two of you be completely honest with each other? Do you feel cherished?? Does the other one glance at others of the opposite sex often? Do you walk behind or in front of the other when at the mall or side by side? Is there thoughts of others in your mind while with them? Are you angry with your family members, parents, brothers and sisters more often than usual? Have you broken up once with them before? (you now have a 60% chance you will end up in divorce). Have you broken up more than once with them before? (you now have a 75% chance you will end up in divorce). All of these are little signs that you may not be with the one you truly love. Don't deceive yourself. You are headed for a miserable life, that will start about three days after the honeymoon. You can choose this course. If you survive, and chances are you won't, then you may eventually end up loving each other after all when you are old and gray sitting on the porch of a retirement home. But it will be a long road of hell until then.

Not many of our friends can be this honest with us. They want us to be happy. Hopefully, you will have a friend that can point out things in your relationship to the one you may want to marry that may indicate trouble. You have the choice now. Don't wait until it is too late. God hates divorce. Yet God has a plan that will bring fulfillment to your life. Be patient and let him do this for you. Do not settle.

Proof Reading and Life

We just sent out a mailing of around 1,600 names of our current newsletter mailing list and most of the alumni of Central Christian College. It was a big ordeal. Two printed envelopes, a letter, a brochure and an ad that pointed people to our YouTube presence with Harvesters International. We proof read all the materials more than I thought anyone should and each time, we found mistakes. The worst of which was probably the wrong 800 number leading people to a call-girl site... I guess that might work for recruiting, but never mind. It was a simple mistake, of typing 1-888 instead of 1-877. But, we did catch that in time along with other misspellings, and bad formatting. After us, it went to the printer who caught a few more.

We received our own copy today in the mail... and well, bam...! The first thing I see is that the letter isn't in color. There is no signature on the letter. The brochure front is off centered. The CD placard is also a shade or two off from the original color. And well, I just didn't think it looked very professional. After a lot of effort. A lot of expense. A lot of proof reading. A lot of mistakes corrected. And we still didn't get it right.

And yeah, aren't we all like that? We work and strive to be more like Christ and yet every week during communion, or every evening at the end of the day, we look at ourselves in the mirror and realize there are so many flaws. No matter how we have tried to diet, tried to memorize, tried to pray, tried to avoid temptations of all kinds, we fail. We have blemishes. We have not given God glory by our attitudes and actions. Every day. Same story. Lots of effort goes into improving our lives. Lots of expense into improving ourselves. A lot of looking into God's Word to determine what more we need to do to become more like Christ. And so much has already been corrected. And yet, we still aren't perfect. Are we?

Regardless of the bad formatting of our introductory letter explaining the common sense of Harvesters International, the message is still there. Embedded behind poor color choices, cut off graphics, and missing signatures. The labor we do is still being exhibited.

And because of our mortal flaws, the grace of Christ is still being exhibited in each and every one of us. Because of those things we want to improve, we can sympathize with others. We can understand that perfection is only obtained through Christ. I'm learning a lot about grace with every new student who walks in our office. When they tell about the tragic things in their lives, the hardships, the abuse, the lack of comfort, the lack of love and affection... and yet, here they are. Trying to use those weaknesses to not only improve themselves but to take the love of Christ to people all over the world who are just like them. Who are just like us.

Sure, we can proof read all we want. But, until we see ourselves the way Christ sees us, we'll always find problems. Always. And until we see others through the grace of Christ, we'll never see what he sees in them either. We will only see the weaknesses. What message of grace can they teach us though? Take another look at those around you. You might find their mistakes are your corrections.