Lord, I see myself, but it's hard for me to see what held you on the cross when you could have walked away?

The song by Michael O'Brien, What Held You On The Cross, has spoken a lot to me lately. I have been overwhelmed in my life for quite some time. Even before the accident. And now believe most of the attacks have come from my own insecurities and how Satan is continually twisting me in to believing his lies. Through this God has proven faithful, even though friends have failed, He has taken the opportunity during these trials to continue the refining process. So often it is incredibly difficult to see the difference between an absolute lie and the absolute truth about ourselves. It's hard enough for us to see it ourselves, and even harder when complicated by the opinions and perceptions of those around you which in themselves must go through the same process between falseness and real honesty.

I had two choices before me. Either just give up and begin to make everyone's perceptions true and just live up to their negative expectations and succumb to those insecurities in my life.... or.... to finally begin believing Christ died for me. That Christ loves me beyond what everyone else sees. Beyond what I see. That even in my sin. Even in my weakness. Even in my inappropriate behavior. He still loves me. He still gives me potential. He doesn't make me start over in our relationship. He doesn't assume the worst. He always has been there even when I screamed at him for leaving me alone.

It's hard for me to see that Jesus would have allowed himself to be fixed to the cross just for me. The alternative is depression and misery. So, today I choose to say that he does love me. The real me. And by God I will only live up to his expectations for me. Not mine. Nor anyone else's. If he is for me... if he died for me... if his love was so great to hold him to the cross for me... then no one else matters anymore. Only him.